Tuesday, October 27, 2009

West Coast Balla Reunion

So I’ve received some requests to hear a little bit about my recent vacation to the West Coast. First of all shout out to Jeremy at Auberge! I know this mention isn’t as great as the televised broadcast from Chelsea Handler, but our visit was part of a magical time in California. For those that don’t know, last week I enjoyed a glorious interlude outside of New York City. During my travels to Napa/San Francisco, I experienced the splendor of gay bars, old friends, and wine tasting and for a few short days I was treated to a world of joy and perfection. With no e-mails and emergencies to deter me, I was able to fully dedicate myself to a weekend of awesomeness.

The entire trip embodied perfection, but it was after an idyllic day, sampling the sweet god given nectar of the vineyards, it was determined that I am going to need to immediately win the lottery so that I can move to the West Coast and open a winery of my very own. My dreary New York existence has run its course and it has become clear that rather than devote myself to an office on a day to day basis, I should be strolling through my own plot of vines, plucking ripened fruit, meeting with cheese vendors, and sampling barrel upon barrel of vino.

Within moments I am skipping through rows and rows of trellised grapes of my very own in my mind. I have selected the perfect piece of bucolic bliss and designed the perfect contemporary farmhouse. I have planted vegetable gardens, installed window treatments, and hired a staff. Just as I am about to harvest my 2009 Cabernet Sauvignon, I am torn from my reverie by the need to move on to our next winery. As disappointing, as it was to realize I was in actuality not a vintner at all, but still a tourist, our following destinations somehow continued to outperform the previous.

All in all it was a perfect getaway. The sun was a little brighter, the air a little warmer, and the people just a touch nicer. Although, I am East Coast through and through, it was sad to leave behind my little slice of heaven. I will miss all the wonderful little San Franciscans, the elusive hilliness, the fabulous day drinking, and the enviable lifestyle. Most likely I will remain in NYC for the foreseeable future, but do know that the moment I hit gold, I will be returning to proliferate the Brady Vineyard empire.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

I am a hot streaky mess

To celebrate my oldest best friend in the world’s birthday this weekend, I decided I wanted to look extra snazzy. Due to the fact that I am essentially translucent, a large part my party preparation included a hefty application of self-tanner. So on my thrilling Friday evening between the washing and drying cycle of my laundry I busted out my newly procured self-tanning lotion. I figured an hour would be enough time for me to acquire the desired level of bronzness so I put on some trashy entertainment TV and got to work.

It seemed easy enough. The lotion was tinted so I could see exactly what I was doing to avoid streaking and the bottle did mention that it wouldn’t stain my clothes post application. “Perfect!” I thought to myself . It seemed foolproof. “What kind of a self tanning novice could screw this up?: It was just what I needed in order to gain a hue darker that white chalk. Minutes later I was shimmery and bronzed just like a Greek Goddess in my professional opinion. The bottle didn’t mention anything about drying time so I preemptively waited about a half an hour for good measure and merrily proceeded along with my evening.

I fell asleep in my newly cleaned apartment with dreams of a gloriously tanned future. So imagine my surprise when I woke up this morning amidst an orange sticky mess. Slowly I opened one eye to notice a giant orange splotch to my right. In horror I tore off my sheets only to notice orange streaks down the entire length of my body. Orange splotches covered my innocently by standing stuffed rabbit. I jumped up in a panic. Orange prints blanketed nearly every surface of my apartment, as I made my way to the bathroom frantically to gaze at my carrot hued face. The sexy glow I was seeking has gone to the wayside and I now more closely resemble my orange striped cat. I am hoping to be able to bleach and exfoliate away this mess but in the event this is not possible, I am sorry Andre! Happy Birthday!

Monday, October 12, 2009

The Streets.

Walking in NYC presents several challenges and eccentricities, which I typically adore, sometimes abhor, and other times sprint away from in humiliation. Interestingly, this week, I had a little of all three.

It all started when I saw David Duchovny. Apparently this recently appointed sex addict has a new series on television, but it is Fox Mulder that gets me riled up. So I am prancing down 77th street when I noticed him with his wife, with whom my Mom informs me he is” working it out” with, and two kids. I waddled past him in full on bag lady attire complete with two overloaded shopping bags, an overnight bag, and an ill-fitting sweatshirt. As we made eye contact, a familiar feeling greeted me. Every time I see a celebrity I get a little shimmer of satisfaction that affirms my city of choice. Even if that particular celebrity stares you up and down like a liability to said city of choice.

So I am a celebrity whore and gather sightings like a rodent prior to hibernation, giddy to bring back the loot to the nest, aka the girls at work. Okay so celebrity sightings are fun, especially when you spot same celebrity a few days later looking much less bag lady-ish. What is less fun and while abhor might be a bit strong, certain run ins with street dwellers leave me at a constant state of unease. I am all about the homeless don’t get me wrong. I am not one of those never give a dollar, just get up and get a job ranters, however it does leave me mildly uncomfortable to know that I am essentially walking through someone else’s living room at any given moment of any given day.

Anyway case in point, I am gallivanting home from work today having a glorious time when I noticed a little abandoned bed on a church stoop. There was a nice soft rolled up pillow and a cozy looking sleeping bag. There was even a newspaper for pre bedtime reading. I wondered for a moment why anyone would abandon this glorious abode until I looked about30 degrees to my right to notice the apparent tenant urinating on a parked car. I couldn’t believe someone would openly expose himself like this and allow himself to public humiliation, until I remembered what happened to me just days earlier that still has me feeling a shade of maroon I have never seen on human flesh.

As anyone who knows me is aware, I hate pants. I wear skirts and dresses as a general rule and when the weather allows, the lighter and more flowing the better. On this particularly gusty day I decided to head out to the flea market in my lightest and flowiest dress of all. For the majority of my perusing I held a white knuckled fist around a bulk of my gathered dress so that I would not flash all of New York City and frighten small children. So I traveled to Brooklyn and back with out baring my buns and I was feeling pretty great until I got out of the subway. There I am walking along the grate when suddenly I was met with a trifecta of a giant gust of wind, subway grate air up flow, and a speeding traffic.

The result was the entirety of my dress over my head. In seconds I was essentially nude in front of hundreds of people. After fighting my way out of a tangle of fabric I was met by pointing fingers, scarred tourists, and bemused pedestrians. My apologies were greeted by horrified looks of shock and disdain. Needless to say it was mildly embarrassing and I am working on replenishing my wardrobe with sturdier fabrics. Lesson learned, although I am sure this is not the last time I will be greeted by any of these scenarios. All one can do is try to remain fully clothed, look like somewhat of a non criminal, and try to remain reasonable calm. Although I pretty much fail these tasks on a daily basis, don’t fret; I will continue to dream big.